Why am I such an idiot?
by itsliz
Summary: Beck's pov after the break up. r&r!


**disclaimer: i dont own victorious**

**A/N: AHHHHHHH who else hated the worst couple? And then how beck protected CAT in the earthquake? Ugh come onnnnn! So sorry I know this has probably been done but I really had to make the worst couple have a happy ending, because well happy endings are my best friend. This very well may suck because I wrote it pretty quickly and idk...just enjoy? Or don't...I miss bade:(**

It was raining outside. I was depressed so of course it was raining. My life is a freaking movie except it doesn't come with a fairytale ending. And I have no one to blame but myself.

_Why am I such an idiot?_

I knocked on her door. No one opened it, and frankly I didn't give a shit about being polite, so I just reached for the handle. It opened. Of course it opened. Doors were made to open.

_Why am I such an idiot?_

I walked into her house. There were barely any lights on, and I couldn't hear any noises. It looked like her dad wasn't home. Surprise, surprise. I walked through the dimly lit house, up the stairs, and down the long hallway. Before I knew what I was doing, I was in her room. I saw her then, or rather her lean figure curled into a ball beneath her deep purple sheets. Her back was facing me, and I thought she was asleep. Then I heard the most heartbreaking sound in my world; she was crying.

_Why am I such an idiot?_

Again, I wasn't really aware of my actions, but I walked around her bed and knelt down so I could see her face. As soon as I did I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding. Then I realized at had been holding it since exactly 8:47 pm, last night. When I lost her.

When I lost Jade.

_Why am I such an idiot?_

I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to take her in my arms, hold her tightly and kiss away her tears. I wanted to shield her from the pain like I had done so many times before. But I couldn't do that now, because I was the pain.

"Beck?" She asked, confused and probably scared because I spontaneously appeared beside her bed. Her voice cracked on the single syllable. Then she quickly composed herself, and tried to act like she hadn't just been crying. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Crap. Well I didn't really know myself. I just needed to see her, needed to tell her I need her. But she was mad at me. Nothing had changed, I had let her go. I tried to play it cool, I didn't want her to see how pathetically lost I was without her.

"I heard you weren't at school today." I stated. Great response Beck, no really that was a winner.

"Oh so you heard? Didn't care enough to actually notice?" Her tone was biting, and I almost smiled despite everything. How could I have wanted to be without her? I missed her sarcastic tone and bitchy comments already.

"Well, I actually wasn't there myself."

"Before you go and get a big head, I stayed home today because I threw up last night."

"Oh really?"

"Really." She said in a tone that eliminated any chance of farther discussion of the matter.

"Well I wasn't sick. I stayed home today because I couldn't think of a single reason to get up and get dressed and do whatever the hell I was supposed to be doing today. Then I felt like an idiot because I had a reason, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. The reason was you Jade. Hell, it's still you. I love you and I let you go and I hate myself for not opening that door!" I just let everything out. What did I have left to lose? I knew the answer to that. Nothing.

"Well then why didn't you?" She asked, and her gorgeous blue eyes looked so desperate. They were wide and teary; awaiting my answer like it was a cure for cancer. I wished I had a reason that would justify her sadness, a true reason that would make everything ok. But all I could tell her was what I had been idiotically thinking last night, because_I'm such a fucking idiot._

"Because everyone always says how we aren't good for each other, how you push me around, how I try to make you jealous on purpose, how messed up and dysfunctional we are. I wanted to prove to them that we aren't. That you don't control me. But you do Jade! I couldn't even last 24 hours without knowing you were mine. And that's when I understood that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I love you, and I want to be with you, and only you. I don't give a damn if people want to gossip, let them gossip. None of it matters as long as I have you! I just love you so much Jade. I'm so sorry." I was ready to beg her to take me back, but i restrained myself. Instead I stayed completely still as I waited for her to speak.

"Beck." She sighed. "I love you too, which is absolutely insane after everything that's happened, but-"

"No." I cut her off. My body was still rigid. "Just please don't say anything else. Just leave it there."

"But-"

I couldn't lose her. Not again. Then I remembered that I didn't even have her. Suddenly,I snapped back in motion and my lips crashed into hers. I slid one hand under her back to bring her closer to me, and lost the other in her tangled black hair. At first she didn't respond, just let it happen. No, NO! I needed her, I told her through the kiss. It was full of passion and sorrow and the pure love I felt for her. She finally kissed me back, and wove her hands around my neck, pulling herself closer to me, until we were impossibly close, but not close enough.

She pulled away for air, and I couldn't hide the smile on my face.

"I love you." I whispered, looking her straight in the eyes. She bit her tongue, but a small grin played with her perfect lips.

"Beck?" she asked.

"Yes my love?" I couldn't say it enough.

"I wasn't really sick today." She confessed, looking down.

"I know." I said.

Then I smiled and leaned in to kiss her again, because I finally knew I could.

**A/N: Please review and tell me what you thought! And is bade really getting back together?**


End file.
